The fact that this kind of insane mindset is encouraged in our society and framed as the pinnacle of love and connection is just plain tragic. When two happy people come together, their happiness spills over onto their partner and being together feels really happy and great. They naturally bond closer and closer because of this. I was hoping you could clarify and help me out a bit.
So its been awhile. Anyway, I was on a dating site when I met this guy, jack, and we instantly hit it off. We talked over the phone and texting and stuff for a few weeks then we finally hung out. He came over late and met my daughter , then we just cuddled and watched movies. We texted and snapchatted all day while he was at work as well.
Recently though, he has started pulling away. But he still calls me every night for like 2 hours. But did he lose interest? Was that himbtrying to let me down easy? I figured at 25 years old the games would stop. I too am a single mother of 3, and wud say I was Newfie most of my life! You have to remember you are setting a role model for your precious baby girl! I learned this thru trial and error and error error and error get my point? I never thought how bad it hurt my kids to have someone there, then gone the next day: Relationships are supposed to be built on trust!
This world is SO full of crumby people! Just working on living U and UR baby! Several days before your post I had broken up with a guy, 62 years old…. My boys got very attached to him. Hi Eric, I have a question. About a month ago I started dating an old aquaintance of mine and there were immediate fireworks. He knew that I am moving to Japan, so he wanted to just have fun, nothing serious, and enjoy our time together before I move. We did exactly that. We had sex and continued going on dates. He knows he made me cry and I called asking for him to meet me for coffee to give me some answers.
Is there anything I can do to reverse this? Will I just have to wait until I come back from Japan in 1 or 2 years before I try to reconnect with him? Once you come off as being needy, how do you get that to go away? Since when does placing blame on someone else help a situation? Not very effective or attractive …. How would you feel if the guy had that attitude towards you? Nobody owes you anything… man or woman.
Your comment was a temper tantrum, plain and simple. Easy and no hard feelings. I can never say no to him about sex. Sorry Ps they both sound like my ex! My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and it has gotten rather serious. She is engaged and not happy so she has friended all the guys in his social group. This chick was able to go after her man and cheat on her friend and help her man cheat on her.
She pretends to be every guys dream girl. My boyfriend has been her one constant guy friend in the group for years, almost like her way in. He has failed to see what she is now doing to our relationship by trying to make me look like a fool and make it seem that he is going in behind my back talking to her.
She tried to friend me and added me on facebook just to try to gain information. I see her for what she is and know exactly what is going on. She calls and texts him and I also and getting the impression that he has a crush on her but she put him in the friend zone years ago. He has made me uncomfortable with her multiple times now which i hold resentment against him for that and i am pissed at her for disrespecting me like that and him for not feeling disrespected because I am.
This woman is able to do this stuff because everyone sweeps it under the rug in fear of group conflict… I am not fake, nor do i like this girl in any way. I do pray u can work it out with him! I like when a man caresses me intimatly or hold me close — sex is far more than wham bam … Its the emotional connection — and perhaps if you are a bloke who cant understand this then you most likely lack sensuality, creativity and passion in the bedroom and most likely life — if a man judges me for beingrg needy early on in the relationship or far gone — this would be a definite turn off because I would believe the man to be emotionally immature — and too closed…..
Next time an older man perhaps…. I find that people here use the word needy, clingy, desperate to describe women that want passion, love, romance, Etc. I agree with the writer. It is supposed to be an anti aphrodisiac. So can I ask is it neediness if you been dating a guy 34 months and you have a serious surgery limiting your mobility. Is it needy to ask for help? Does it occur to men at all that you might be all she has to maybe take her to the hospital or stay with her or help her to the bathroom. When is too busy for you just to little! Explain the mans view to me. I would think men should pass the sickness and health test if you want them in your life at all from week one.
You know she helped u paint your kitchen, she helped you buy groceries when u fell short one month. Or is it all abut them. Jayz, you already knew the answer to your question. Lost a marriage a relationship, and now a dating life all because some jerk wanted to break my back! I agree with relyer…… U know the answer! My ex and I have been over for close to 2 years now. He has a baby on the way. But he feel like he needs to make his presence known every month and tries to get my attention.
I guess to see where my head is at…not interested in him. I have been reading all your articles that I receive by e-mail. Thank you so much! They really help a big deal. The neediness is a big issue. Yea, I guess I tend to be needy sometimes, but I try to keep busy and not think that much about the situation or that guy even though that is hard as hell sometime.
In one of your emails , you said that if we want to you , or ask you a question , we have to go back to the first email we received when we subscribed. I am sorry but I just cannot find that email. I have been looking forever. I dated this guy for about 2 years. Its been a year since we broke up. In contrast, when my friend felt that his wife was not the most easy-going person when they were dating, but he loved her for all the great things about her something that this article is suggesting guys want to hear — well, same for girls!
But after a week he came to the house and took me to dinner and once again he came over again I had made dinner for him and watched some tv. Last night he came over and took my friends kids shopping which I think it was pretty nice of him. Anyways the whole time I am trying to show him some kinda affection, but every time I would try he would walk away or just say that I was in the way.
I pretty much got upset last night , but I was trying to make it a good day for the kids. We got home and he took the little clothes he had left here from the last time he was here at the apartment. But he needs to understand how I felt! He still has the key to the apartment. Should I leave him alone for now or what. Maybe Hes seeing your friend. If your friend is a girl. Why else would he care more about taking HER kids out shopping than when your acts of affection when given. Kinda lame on his part. Kind of a head game.
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Most people who have dated and have been intimate find it hard like myself to just stay in a friends only zone if your brain is used to the way affection and hanging out used to be. It was the first time I texted him first. Was he just busy and forgot. I really like him and I want to still talk to him because I think we can work. Should I text him first tomorrow?
Wait for him to text me? What should I do? Do not txt him back until he does. Show him that you are not desperate guys like those kind of girls. Believe me I have been there and I tried both things and guess what when I ignore they come back running. But apparently things in life work the other way round. Actually there is this guy I love, we were best friends first for two years, a lot happened and it was more of an on and off love thing.
I stayed stuck in this dilemma for a while. I decided to treat him normal, even when I see him in college I treat him just like a friend, because sooner or later he will know what he has lost. I am on this site now because I do not know what to do from here.
I was hurting trying to move on its not easy but I got myself busy as much as I can not to think about him, it worked but he texted me. I know you clicked and you feel he is different, and there is this amazing connection between you both and that you got a lot in common, same happened to me but I realized that people change drastically; such a shame. Be strong and patient! No one likes to be texted And have their phone blown up if you text make sure he received your text Then the ball is in his court! Sound like you have taken control and by not texting and waiting for a reply Is great..
So me and this guy have been talking for two n half months. He tells me that he really likes me, he thinks im cute, but he says that im clingy, because of all the texts i send him. He never answers though, like he takes too long. Like right now he is in Bourbon, New Orleans. The last message i got from him was friday. I tried to text him but he hasnt texted me at all.
I really like this guy. Im ready to be his girlfriend and he is taking too long to ask me. I dont know whether he is ignoring me or.. I was told by my best guy friend that if he wants to talk to a girl, he will make time. He is a very laid back person and gripes at me for not being chill. I want him to start chasing me.
He use to love talking to me and now i barely hear from him. He says i text him too much but all i want to do is talk to him and when he never really answers my texts, i feel rejected. As a woman, I do admit that when a guy texts me too much…especially about senseless things, I get annoyed and lose interest. It looks like he has lost interest in you. Stop fretting about him not talking to you. Whatever you do, do NOT text him or contact him.
If he is interested, he will contact you. He is at Mardis Gras I presume. Although that is a 24 hour party, if he thought about you, he would contact you. It will make it clear. Work on yourself, and let the man chase you from the beginning. You have to let them…they love the challenge. You are a prize worth catching. You are very young, and you will find someone much better that treats you like the jewel you are!!! There are no rules. You just need to stop investing yourself. Go on dates, hang out with friends, do things you enjoy.
If a guy is interested, he will pursue you! Honestly, what you did was just show him that you are needy. You are giving him no incentive to want to be with you. He knows if he bats his eyes at you, you will give in. If I were you, I would as hard and painful as it seems , cut your losses and move on. If he really was interested, he would have initiated contact with you while he was on his trip.
I hate to be do harsh, but I meant it when I said no contact. You will be fine. Hi Eric, I really wish I had read this article over a year ago. My fiance just broke up with me because for the last year, I have been pressuring and being needy to him, while being completely oblivious I was even doing it.
The house thing I completely disagree with, but after thinking about my actions and going through text messages, I am really wanting to bang my head on the wall for being so oblivious of my behavior and what I was doing to him. Is there any way I can show him how sorry I really am and how I am aware of my actions now and how i would like to show him i am working on it without using words or pressuring him? He will not talk to me now unless it is absolutely necessary. I am living with a mutual friend of ours right now, so that kinda helps with the connection.
Seriously, dont be sexist. We all have neediness and the whole thing is relative. Its when the expectation of one does not match in the expectations of other person in a relationship, the person with more expectation looks needy. IMO, only way to solve this kind of problem in a relationship is talk openly about everything.
What is a relationship in the end all about? If we are supposed to be single and act as if we were single and just see each other like some sort of friends with benefits? If i want a guy in my life i want to be able to be myself and be open in that relationship. Guys know from the start if they want to be with you and like you, i feel we should not hide what we feel. Yes I feel exactly the same. The advice is be confident, be yourself etc.
I am confident and myself and yet, like you, I expect a good level of respect and commitment from the guy, and yet they get angry and defensive when I say what I want an actual call to hear their voice etc, to know when they want to see me in advance — all just common courtesy I extend to my friends.
I was naturally vulnerable at a time when it was right to be so, yet the guy dropped me just at that exact time I confided I wanted his support for once, even though I had been busy and outgoing the rest of the time. I feel like I am not but then I wonder. Maybe I think I am not acting needy because I play it cool and show understanding but maybe underneath of it all I ooze neediness.
Now I am just afraid of meeting men and scaring them off. Like the awesome movie, How to lose a guy in 10 days. One thing I have recently learned, is when a guy likes you and he pulls back, its because he is maybe scared, and unsure of these emotions he is feeling. We as women have a natural reaction to move closer when a guy pulls back. We start asking what is wrong, and try to figure it out and make him tell us. Instead of trying to pull them closer, we need to pull back and give space. Its called the rubber band effect. If he pulls away, and I stay or pull back too, eventually he will come back.
I agree with this but the thing is how can you show a guy you appreciate all the things he does for you without seeming needy? It comes of to them as neediness or clingyness. I happened upon this post as I was desperately searching for answers as well as a good therapist to talk to.
Your post answered my questions very well. To be fair, he tries very hard and has come a long way in terms of giving me more affection and attention since I met him. I am still not satisfied—especially when he is away on a business trip or working overtime.
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Sometimes I can hide my moodiness, sometimes I fail at that. I now know why—I am entirely dependent on him and him alone to fill my life with joy and happiness. It must be exhausting for him. I know he loves me very much to put up with me but I still constantly want him to tell me he loves me more than anything and assures me of his commitment to be with me forever.
No wonder he seems hesitant about moving in or deepening the relationship. No wonder he has his walls up. I am doing it all wrong. Anyhow, pretty much all the things you said in your post hit a nerve with me. Thank you so much for such insight and advice.
I know what I need to do now. When my life is not empty like it is now, when I am not solely reliant on him to make my life happy, I know I will feel better about myself and be happier in general. I do feel very shitty about how I am right now and how I hurt him. Thank you and I signed up for your site. I so wish I had seen this article a few months ago!! Thanks Eric — I just wish I had seen this earlier…. I am a married woman who is fortunate enough to have a very loving husband. However, I have felt trapped for many years and I guess I was open to any distraction.
I was contacted — out the blue — by a co-worker lives in another country who showed me all the sexual attention I needed. He made me feel young, desirable, fun, liberated. For the first time in years, I felt like a woman — not a wife or mother. A woman — red blooded, sexy, vivacious! He told me from the start that he had done this before and that he kept his home life completely separate but he was totally smitten and he said so.
Not having done this before, I started to pin all my self-esteem on this guy. We escalated very quickly to complete and utter intense flirting webchats, photos, explicit phonecalls. I was so excited. But I became too needy. I am convinced he is so repulsed by me that even if I was the hottest thing on the planet, he would run a mile. The strong-willed, independant, intelligent fun woman who he was escaping with was replaced with this desparate, clingy nuisance.
And now I feel completely gross to my husband and just generally! Girls — please take heed. Give them a chance to chase you. Aside from keeping them interested, him chasing you feels better that you chasing them…. So this article has done good and bad things to my thoughts. I met someone at the beginning of my travels, and well simply put, it was an amazing connections. Unfortunately, I had another 4 months of travelling planned. We kept in touch the whole time.
Now I am at the end of my 4 months and I am going to stay with him for a few weeks, as we planned. But the contact has been less and less frequent the closer it comes to my arrival. He still seems excited, but I can only presume his obvious lack of contact means he is less interested now. I put forward some semi-serious questions recently, but it was in fairness, a retaliation of the months of seriousness build up he was giving me. And now I really do feel like the crazy one wanting more contact and wearing this silly negative hat, before anything has even happened.
Usually I am happy to go with the flow, do my thing and let them like the busy, exciting, independent person I have been. So I have been having a crush on this guy who is only 19 years old while I am 22 and have a boyfriend and a kid who I live with I am totally a mess cause I really love this 19 year old and I was stupid enough to give my sister this 19 year old guys contact details cause she also likes him but I knew him way before her. He said, he would stop, but kept doing it. After a while, I told him we were not compatible, and to stop calling.
He did, for a while, and started back. I feel that he has somebody, and is afraid to tell me. What do I do? And now you are scared he has someone else. It seems like two seperate things. The only way to know if he has someone is to flat out ask him. Also, why if he is putting so much effort into you do you think he has someone else?
I need ur help, i have been talking with this guy for more then one month we met online dating we really connected we text and talk over the phone every time we had a change until few weeks ago he started to be distance we had talk about meeting in person but i started complaining about him not calling i even text saying that he was not putting the same effort like before few hours he respond that is went he explain he been busy with work and this summer he will spend time with two kids therefore it was not a good time for a relationship so he ask if we could just stay friend if that was okay with me… i knew i had made the mistake to be so pushy i should just go with the flow but any ways at this point im not trying to me make contact im not sure what to do is going to sound crazy but with the short time we talk i really like him and i was looking forward to meet him what i do to at this point i really would like an opportunity with this men?
I love the articles on this site, they have helped me SOO much, you have no idea! I lived with my boyfriend for a year before he asked me to move out. It took many crying phone calls to him to find out it was because I stopped doing things. He said I was confident, independant and never gave up on my dreams when I met him, I went out with the girlfriends worked as much as possible and saved really hard.
Go to work, go on holidays, have girls nights, chase your dreams and never ever give up, and if he doesnt appreciate you for that he is not worth keeping. It makes you wish you could have realized what you were doing before it was too late. But feeling like you need someone like that and then having them ends things with you is a scary feeling because I am feeling it right now! My ex told me he was so attracted to me in the beginning because I was so confident and independent. At least I learned from it, and will know for the next guy hopefully! Good luck to you!
Hi Eric, Thanks for sharing your insight! I and this guy have known each other for 5 months. About two weeks ago I told him I like him I thought I was really really sincere when telling him, not sure if I did it wrongly that way… and he asked me out. The thing is, he has been going through a very tough time at work. However, as I thought I still need to show my interest and care, I sent him a text to thank for the evening the day after our date, and then once again after 3 days just to ask how he is doing to that I got no response.
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I am going to leave him for some time…and not going to text him again unless he texts me first. Or do you have any advice on how to handle this situation. Be nice to yourself: You are daring and i applaud you for going out there with your feelings, however, you deserve to have a guy go after you. Hi Ami, thank you very much indeed for your nice words. My only concern leading to all these happenings was because I tried to walk into his shoes…I thought he was not either in the mood for a relationship or do the chasing, not to mention that he is sort of a workaholic I admire him for how he puts his effort into work I have to admit.
But well, as I said, I am not going to contact him again unless he makes another move. Hi Amy, I got curious did the two of you went dating? I am obviously on the same situation and decided not to text him and try to move on but at the moment he still is in my mind and heart and feel like I hate myself for not being able to move on so quickly.
Hows thing with you? I sent him a text about two weeks after my post here. I made the right move at that point. I heard somewhere men often withdraw into their cave to sort out their problem when they are going through hard time and come back once their problems are resolved. It seemed to be true in my case so far. Now I find myself insecure and tired again having no clue about how this is going to turn out. I would not dare to ask for a clear answer He gave me an answer once yet I kept thinking what if he lost his interest after doing the confession.
Many of us women are like that: Feeling helpless, ignored, neglected, all that. If not, then better moving on. But one thing you need to bear in mind, communication is key. Guessing game is daunting and hurtful. Be simple and sweet. That may scare them away and you will become the victim of your own emotions after all. Also, keep yourself occupied with other things, ladies out, exercises, work…etc. Eric, thank you so much for being so wise.
You gave me real advice that I can actually apply. He ended things a month ago saying he felt his freedom was being taken away and he needed time alone and just needs to be by himself right now, but that this could be the best thing for both of us and we could end up closer and better than before.
We were in contact the month after our breakup, until I realized that was too painful for me because I was still wanting more, so now I have told him I need no contact with him until I can heal and feel indifferent. What is your advice on my best course of action at this point? To leave him alone and hope maybe he will miss me and give us another chance?
There was so much potential and I realized I ruined it with my lack of information about how to act in a relationship. Please give me any advice on where I should go from here. Thank you so much!!! I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months! I have found myself been needy when he doesnt call or makes other plans: This article was so hopeful..
I just hope i can save the relationship before its to late, because his such and amazing person and i love been around him. Previous to my movin back to town i used to be the complete oppisite, always busy, working 12 hour days always out with friends. Hi Eric, I met a man online. I cancelled a couple times because I these as red flags as they happened before we even met.
I ended up going out with him. Our 3rd date he cancelled on me at 3 in the afternoon because he told me he was tired and was golfing and him and his friend were going to have an early night. Thing is he had said on the last date he wanted me to meet this friend so I thought why did he not invite me to that early dinner.
Next day he informed me that his friend and others he was golfing with spent a late night out.. At dinner he pulled out his phone to show myself and another couple an exgirlfriend who was an alcoholic who stalked him. I saw you had written what the big picture and was it to fight the small battle or with the war relationship. I have high standards so I thought when I got angry, or controlling it was just me. We stopped seeing eachother two weeks ago. I have had a hard time going on in my life with some stress. I called him last Monday..
I went online to see if he was on after we spoke, he was and I called him on it.. I mean it made me feel bad obviously. Since then I have become a needy, insecure mess. I called the next day and he said forget you are too insecure, etc. Since then I have initiated contact.. I would like a chance to try again, or should I. He keeps me hanging.. Tonight I got a call from his number… and some weird noise with his voice was on my vm. Is this a close and shut case at this point. Was this me that ruined this from the begininng or was there red flags from him I should have heeded.
The last time I wrote on here I was feeling needy and in a relationship that i was SO unhappy in. With a wonderful romantic guy who gives and gives and gives. I see how this whole investing thing works, and I see it is smart to allow the other person to invest themsleves in you. Not just you in them. Cause yes i like him, but i am not that invested to be honest. Eric, i love yoU! Sorry no need to reply … I am grasping it all completely now … thank you for your time: First, be aware that when you do things for the other person, you are investing yourself further and further into them not the other way around.
Just being aware of this is helpful since most people believe the reverse is true…. Thank you so much for your insight I do greatly appreciate it: Eric … your insight is respectful and inspiring ….
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I really like what you wrote here about putting yourself first. What do I mean by that? Well, let me give you an analogy…. When I was visiting with my family during the holidays, one of my cousins told her young son that he needs to stop playing a video game in order to share with another cousin. Without any pouting or unhappiness, he handed the controller over to his cousin. Later, one of the other parents of a young child asked the kid to share her toy and she flipped out.
Screaming, crying, pouting, yelling, etc. Eventually the parent had to put the kid to bed because she was so upset at giving up her toy. My point is that both kids were asked to share, but they had different reactions. Hi Eric, I do completely understand your analogy and it representing our need for our own emotional control to create more positive outcomes in our lives, but it is also crucial to establish boundaries as well.
It is quite hard to nurture someone or something and place yourself above the object in need of nurturing. Sorry lol lol I think I just confused the shit out of myself hahahhahaahhaa This is easier said than done hahahahhaha: But we believe that by doing things for them will somehow make them more invested in us….
Decoding Male Behavior: A Guy’s Take on Neediness
Giving them the opportunity to like you by giving them space is a very selfless thing to do, actually. So let me see if I grasp this all correctly?? You are stating that in order for us to have a healthy relationship we need balance for it to work? I give a little and allow him the opportunity to give back to the relationship. Seems like a basic and idealistic approach.
Hmmmmm makes perfect sense to me … yet how do we not get this from the get go???? Karen — to answer your most recent question…. But it is a useful relationship dynamic to be aware of at the beginning of a relationship. Thank you so much for your input. I had recently met a guy and have been looking for valuable dating advices from a male perspective. D Thank you so much! Many emotionally unavailable people will consider giving aaaaaanything as neediness. My jaw was open the whole time I was reading this article because it pertains to me perfectly. This really was an eye opener. I need to stop thinking that I need him in order to fulfill my every need.
I need to make myself more busy!! And most of all, I need to be more appreciative of the amazing indescribable relationship we have. This is the greatest relationship advice ever given. In the subject in seemed as though I had signed up for dating when it was dating and relationship tips.
He was so affectionate when I first met him. He cared about my feelings and hated that something bother me so badly. When my dad died suddenly 5 yrs. I needed to lean on him for comfort and told him. He put his job first. I would complain to him that the family needed him. He would stay in his shop all day and most of the night. Gradually he put a wall up and started to verbally and emotionally abuse me. Told me he was tired of me nagging him. Later the physical abuse came.
He has a rage and anger issues. I almost started believing something was wrong with me. I was raised to believe that family is the most important part of life. I always stood beside him yet I feel he never stood beside me. I did research on his behavior and realized he was a victim of Passive Aggressive Behavior with Covert abuse. My question is am I wrong for demanding family time? Why would that make someone become so evil and hurtful? I just want to comment my own tale. To the gentleman who wrote earlier, I too was like that and as a future psychologist I am a huge fan of therapy to work out issues and to become the person you wish to become.
I love this article, unfortunately, I read this too late. I was in the end of my relationship. I broke up with him. The point is, the relationship was not right for me for many reasons, but because of my needy nature i put everything on hold in my life. I was consumed a bout him and about making the relationship work.
I did not achieve anything in the 6 months we dated, I did not do any new things, I did not read any new books. Aside from talking about neediness, I like this article because it articulates how important it is to have other things going on your life so 1. All I can say is: I had a relationship with an amazing woman the like of which — and I am being reliastic here — I am unlikely to ever date again — she ticked almost every box I have ever wanted to have — essentially my dream woman.
Decoding Male Behavior: A Guy’s Take on Neediness | Dating Tips, Relationship Advice
I managed to push her away with my neediness and after 9 months she dumped me and broke my heart and my mind. Well, my bf loves to make plans and not follow thru by blowing me off, for a couple of months. Now, when I bring it up. When I tell him its over he tells me he loves me and dosent want to lose me.
I did confront him of cheating he told me no. But does the same thing week after week. He rarely picks up my calls or text. I would say…every 3 things he does one thing you do one thing. This helps creating balance so that he can pursue. Sorry but you do sound needy.
The way he has acted does not deserve an invitation of any sort. HNe initied most text conversations after that but i initiated a few too. The 3rd time we met i slept with him. I wanted to wait, but i really wanted it in that moment and i thought i shouldnt try to manipulate the siuation. Anyway later that evening, he texted me asking how im doing etc, but after texting back he took over a day to reply. After i replied to that he didnt text back anymore. He didnt text to say if he was coming to the market, so on the saturday i called him once but he didnt pick up so i guess he was sleeping.
Later that day he called me back but i missed it. So 12 mins later i called him, again he didnt pick up. So i texted saying i was around earlier but i guess he was sleeping. Late that night he texted back saying he hoped i had fun and that he had an exam the next day. This time i replied 2 days later, and it has been 3 days and still no reply. I had got free tickets to a comedy show and asked if he wanted to come, he asked when it was, i told him when, and he hasnt replied.
Do i come across as too needy? Two months ago, my husband passed away. A good friend of my husband started texting me right away and he said he was just making sure I was ok and also that we were comforting each other through the loss. At first it was very casual and random texting and then he would text stuff like xoxoxo, sweet dreams sweetie, how did you sleep last night, and he mentioned getting together in the new year with my one year old son.
It happened to be a night he texted me, how are you doing? After that text he was upset and said I think way too much and that he was just busy. I never really initiated the texts, ever but it hurts a lot when someone asks me to confide in them about the death of my husband and then leave my answer hanging for days. Was I too needy in this situation? I feel very hurt and misunderstood, and even more lonely now.
This question is for Eric. If your BF has been off and on like that it is a clue that he loves you but feels guilty about something….. You need to pull this boy aside and ask him point blank if he is having a relationship with his ex for the following reasons: You don;t want to contract any STDs.
You need to live your life based on honesty and truthful information. Ask him to provide proof of bank account statements, phone records etc. Some women will try and throw the wrench in the fan when they see an ex happy….. I have been in a relationship with my bf for a yr now. If thats the case how would you bring that up without coming across as needy? For instance, my boyfriend Saturday night said that he would give me a call after a football game on Sunday and he never called.
If your focus is having an outstanding, amazing, deeply loving relationship with this guy, then you probably would think of him not calling as a slight annoyance and just let it slide while you do other things. Relationships cannot and will not survive without clear, concise communication.
If you are not being open and honest with your partner then is your relationship really a relationship at all? When there is a lack of communication, things become one sided and either partner may start to feel like the other does not want to be in the relationship anymore. For example, men love to have their abilities recognized and appreciated and hate to have them scorned or ignored.
On the other hand, women love to have their feelings recognized and appreciated and hate to have them ignored. Men like to solve problems on their own yet women like to solve problems in the relationship as a team. Men can sometimes view unsolicited assistance as an undermining of their effort to solve problems alone while women value assistance, and thus view unsolicited solutions as undermining their effort to proceed interactively. Men want their solutions to be appreciated; women want their assistance to be appreciated and somewhere along the line all this gets misunderstood.
When faced with tough times, men become non-communicative so they can work out how best to help themselves, while women become communicative so that others can work out how best to help them. When men do communicate, they like to get to the point, but women enjoy talking for its own sake.
Thus a gap in communication is created and we have the root of most problems in a relationship. Fixing this break in a couples' communicating methods is a great step towards better understanding the needs of your partner. When it comes to actually talking, men and women speak in very different ways.
They basically speak two completely different languages. Men talk in very literal terms while women use a more artistic and dramatic vocabulary to fully express their feelings. Men like to sort their thoughts out before communicating them and thus become distant and non-communicative as they ponder their feelings. This difference between men and women can lead both to feeling personally to blame for the others problems - which is not true, but the divide in communication can make it seem that way.
Yeah sure, it is nice to have someone to hold at night and it feels good to share your life with another human being, however, men and women were each built to survive independently. A man's instinct is to look after himself first and foremost, while women have valued their independence long before they were even given civil rights. Relationships are about give and take, but if one keeps taking and never gives, the relationship breaks. You have to consider the thoughts and feelings of your partner and sometimes have to put their needs before yours.
Again, this is difficult for both men and women because each is used to being on their own. Both have to remember to accept and forgive the other, and avoid blaming them when they fail. For example, men feel gratified when they are left to sort things out by themselves and feel undermined by being offered sympathy or help while women feel the opposite.
Women feel gratified by being offered support and feel undermined when they are left to sort things out by themselves. It is important to recognize this difference and remember it when issues in the relationship arise. Do not fault them for trying to be there for you. But if they are given support in the form of space, they soon feel better and spring back into their usual selves. In contrast, women will from time to time emotionally sink into themselves. Plus, if they cannot find any real issues to concentrate on, then they will find some random other thing to worry about.
The slowness in which they sink into negativity and subsequently recover may be hard for men to handle.